Most of us want
to find a partner to share our lives with. When we finally fall in love
and commit to a relationship that we believe will last us to old age, we
have expectations that we will act together to realise our dreams.
Inevitably though, every couple will experience relationship
difficulties. Couples will always be confronted and sometimes
overwhelmed by challenges they face, but mostly they are able to deal
with them and move on. However sometimes these challenges leave each
partner feeling alienated and alone and unable to sort out the issues,
no matter how hard they try. The same old arguments occur, with the same
frustrating outcomes, and both partners can feel stuck. As time goes on
one or both may start considering separation. Sadly, separation and
divorce statistics are high, yet many of the difficulties that threaten
the survival of relationships can be sorted out, with the right help.
This information booklet may be a starting point for you.
What causes relationship problems?
There are a number of patterns and situations that can develop within a relationship which will contribute to problems occuring.
Neglect of the relationship
Research shows that the foundation of a
happy relationship is friendship. Put simply, this means that you can
enjoy each other's company, share values, interests, friends and
extended family, and believe you care, support, understand, and in every
way are ‘there' for each other and work together as a team. This
friendship needs to be nurtured, because if neglected it will inevitably
deteriorate. This means couples need to be regularly spending time
together doing things, talking about things that matter to each partner,
and making plans for the future. This seems obvious, but work pressures
and other personal issues, the demands of parenting, and the general
busyness of life mean that we too easily put off spending the necessary
time together to stay connected. As a result couples drift apart. This
is often the case for high achievers, parents of teenagers, or ‘empty
nesters' who have neglected their relationship earlier on.
Conflict
Staying friends is more difficult when there
is ongoing conflict which leaves you feeling angry, disappointed,
frustrated or hurt. It is really important that this conflict is dealt
with in a way that doesn't drive your partner away or leave a build-up
of resentment. Conflicts often begin early in the relationship when
those differences that we knew were there, and may have admired or
managed in the early stages of our relationship, become challenging.
Each thinks all would be well if only the other partner would change.
The blame game begins. Although change can happen, we are less likely to
consider changing if we feel we are being misunderstood, misjudged or
attacked for who we are, how we behave, or what we want or need.
Research shows that when one partner's request for change in the other
becomes criticism, the other partner is likely to become defensive. When
the conflict grows over time, criticism can become contempt, and is
likely to be met by the other partner blocking it out or ‘stonewalling'.
These behaviours can be deadly for the relationship. Therefore it is
really important to find ways to manage the issues that are leading to
conflict.
The distress that accompanies arguments
leads to behaviour that often brings out the worst in us, and that is
certainly not to our advantage when we are dealing with our partner for
life. When we are worked up, we don't think straight. We can say or do
things that we later regret, and cause growing damage to the
relationship. It is really important to calm down before tackling
difficult situations.
Poor management of differences between partners
Differences between partners will always be
there as we are all individuals with different values, priorities and
ways of dealing with issues. Examples include attitudes to money, where
we like to spend holidays, how much time we spend with extended families
and friends, how much time we spend together or alone, how we show our
love, how to discipline children, where we send our children to school,
how we drive the car, how tidy to keep the house, how much effort goes
into buying presents and the list goes on. We of course tend to see that
our way is the right way, and that means that our partner is wrong and
should change. However it is more sensible to find a way to manage these
differences rather than try to wipe them out.
Withdrawing care
We tend to become stubborn in our
determination to have our way. We often try to let our partner know how
wrong they are by telling them, and as that usually does not work, we
then punish them by removing things from the relationship that we know
our partner values - for example a man may stop discussing issues with
his partner, or a woman may stop showing interest in sex. As talking and
sex are two important ingredients for feeling close to our partners it
is not surprising that both partners end up feeling lonely, despairing
and misunderstood.
Loss of compassion
All of us like to feel that our thinking,
feeling and behaviour is understood by the other, and not judged as
being wrong. Understanding does not mean agreeing. Unfortunately if
partners don't seek to understand, good will can disappear. Until each
feels the other is willing to understand them, they are unwilling to
understand the other. Empathy and compassion for how the other is
feeling is lost. Acts of care and love vanish. It is not surprising then
that a partner may consider separation, or find value elsewhere - such
as spending more time at work, on committees, with the children, on the
internet, or with someone else. It is also not surprising that
behaviours that result from a relationship under stress - including
anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug use, eating disorders and gambling
- can add to the difficulties.
Times of crisis
Understanding, compassion and friendship are
particularly important when life sends along a crisis. Individuals act
differently to issues such as a retrenchment from a job, death of a
parent, infertility, miscarriage, a child's disability, fire or drought,
and these differences need to be understood. If couples can support and
care for each other, and stand together as a team, working through and
recovering from life problems can strengthen a relationship. If not,
couples can be torn apart.
Recognising when there are relationship problems
All relationships face difficulties, and
most are resolved over time. However when the problems become entrenched
and seem unable to be solved, it is important to seek professional
help. It is far better to resolve the problems than to dissolve the
relationship. Unfortunately, research shows that the average couple
waits six years before seeking help once the problem is recognised, and
only a small percentage seek the professional help they need. Half of
all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. These statistics
are very sad.
When there are any signs of the relationship
problems outlined in the previous section, then it is time to consider
seeking help. Obviously partners will try to deal with relationship
issues themselves, but when problems continue to occur it becomes clear
that professional help is needed.
Ideally both partners would agree that
assistance is required to gain a new perspective and to try something
different for the relationship to become unstuck, and for mending to
occur. However if your partner is reluctant or unwilling to seek help,
then it can be very helpful for you to seek help first. You can't make
your partner change, but changes you make can start the domino effect of
change for the relationship.
Seeking professional assistance
It is important that you seek help from
someone who is trained and experienced in working with relationships.
Most people ask friends for recommendations, and word of mouth is a good
way to find help. You can also ask your GP for a recommendation or
phone the APS
Find a Psychologist service on 1800 333 497. Alternatively, you can locate a psychologist in your area by visiting the APS
Find a Psychologist website -
www.findapsychologist.org.au.
Help can also be found through organisations
funded by the Federal Government that employ psychologists and other
professionals specialising in relationship counselling. Organisations
such as Centacare Catholic Family Services, Relationships Australia and
Lifeworks all offer professional assistance.
Start with a compliment
